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Sometimes when you are engaging emergence, things go wrong. You might accidentally fart really loud, or your pasty might fall off. The great part about stage farts is that no one thinks the fancy lady let one rip. But what happens if your pasty falls off?
In my first burlesque class I learned a very important message about failure. As a new performer, one of my biggest fears was that my hair, my eyelashes, or my pasties would fall off. The instructor, Miss Indigo Blue, approached the topic directly asking, “So what are you going to do if you lose a pasty?” |
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This was a pivotal moment for me learning about failure, confidence, and competence. Like many women, any time I make a mistake my confidence takes a nosedive and I start criticizing myself. I hold a fear story deep in my mind that if I make a mistake, somehow it means I am not competent, I am not good enough, or I don’t deserve to be here.
Many women feel the pressure of this story at work: ‘If I make a mistake it must mean I am not qualified.’ Rather than saying, ‘Woops, well that didn’t work. I will take a different strategy next time,” we beat ourselves up and question our worthiness.
Confidence might be connected to what you do, but worthiness is not. Worthiness is about who you are. If I pop a pasty, I guarantee you, I am not suddenly a terrible human being who doesn’t belong on stage.
The important lesson I learned from Miss Indigo Blue was that I get to choose how to recover from a failure. If I do pop a pasty, what will I do? I could pretend it didn’t happen and keep going. I could cover myself with a prop. I could pick up the pasty and stick it back on (or throw it out into the audience). I could dance in circles around it. I could take the other one off to match…. The point is I get to decide how I respond to failure. And, while failure might bruise my confidence, it does not destroy my worthiness.
Don't listen to those who say, "It's not done that way." Maybe it's not, but maybe you will. Don't listen to those who say, "You're taking too big a chance." Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today. Most importantly, don't listen when the little voice of fear inside of you rears its ugly head and says, "They're all smarter than you out there. They're more talented, they're taller, blonder, prettier, luckier and have connections…" I firmly believe that if you follow a path that interests you, not to the exclusion of love, sensitivity, and cooperation with others, but with the strength of conviction that you can move others by your own efforts, and do not make success or failure the criteria by which you live, the chances are you'll be a person worthy of your own respect.
- Neil Simon
Many women feel the pressure of this story at work: ‘If I make a mistake it must mean I am not qualified.’ Rather than saying, ‘Woops, well that didn’t work. I will take a different strategy next time,” we beat ourselves up and question our worthiness.
Confidence might be connected to what you do, but worthiness is not. Worthiness is about who you are. If I pop a pasty, I guarantee you, I am not suddenly a terrible human being who doesn’t belong on stage.
The important lesson I learned from Miss Indigo Blue was that I get to choose how to recover from a failure. If I do pop a pasty, what will I do? I could pretend it didn’t happen and keep going. I could cover myself with a prop. I could pick up the pasty and stick it back on (or throw it out into the audience). I could dance in circles around it. I could take the other one off to match…. The point is I get to decide how I respond to failure. And, while failure might bruise my confidence, it does not destroy my worthiness.
Don't listen to those who say, "It's not done that way." Maybe it's not, but maybe you will. Don't listen to those who say, "You're taking too big a chance." Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today. Most importantly, don't listen when the little voice of fear inside of you rears its ugly head and says, "They're all smarter than you out there. They're more talented, they're taller, blonder, prettier, luckier and have connections…" I firmly believe that if you follow a path that interests you, not to the exclusion of love, sensitivity, and cooperation with others, but with the strength of conviction that you can move others by your own efforts, and do not make success or failure the criteria by which you live, the chances are you'll be a person worthy of your own respect.
- Neil Simon
Reflections
How do you define failure? What is your earliest memory of learning about failure?
Reflect on the last time you had a medium-sized failure. What were the first thoughts that ran through your mind? What emotions did you feel? How did your body respond to the failure? What intuitions did you have during the experience? What did you need or want in that moment?
Describe a time when failing led to your success.
How are your confidence and self-worth related to failure?
Reflect on the last time you had a medium-sized failure. What were the first thoughts that ran through your mind? What emotions did you feel? How did your body respond to the failure? What intuitions did you have during the experience? What did you need or want in that moment?
Describe a time when failing led to your success.
How are your confidence and self-worth related to failure?
Practice
Create a ritual for how you will to respond to failure. Write down the words/phrase that you will say to yourself the next time you make a mistake. Rather than default to self-criticism, use your phrase the next time you fail.
Fail publicly. The next time you fail, talk about it with your friends or colleagues.
Slow down. The next opportunity you have to fail, take your time and allow yourself the full experience of failure. Don’t rush through it, try to hide it, or attempt to clean it up immediately. Take up space and acknowledge the failure without doubting your worthiness.
Fail publicly. The next time you fail, talk about it with your friends or colleagues.
Slow down. The next opportunity you have to fail, take your time and allow yourself the full experience of failure. Don’t rush through it, try to hide it, or attempt to clean it up immediately. Take up space and acknowledge the failure without doubting your worthiness.
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